I Might Be a Vampire...

Being raised in the midst of the 'Vampire Era' of social media, there was always one thing about vampires that I always found interesting and relate-able - no, I do not have an insatiable thirst for human blood, I am not nocturnal (despite what my mother thinks), my teeth are of normal proportions, and I definitely do NOT sparkle... in any form of the word... which actually brings me to my point....

It was always just one factor of living the vampire life that stuck out to me...How frustrating would it be to not be able to see your reflection?! Don't worry, when I pass by the mirror, I see every fly-away and stain on my shirt; however, there's always been something in my reflection that I've never been able to see - and that's, pardon the pun, my 'sparkle'.

It's hard to listen to those who love and care about you tell you the many things that they think make you who you are while you sink into the basic random-head-nodding-'uh-huh'-'yeah'-'hmmm'-turn away-'I-guess-you're-right'-pattern that you always use because you feel their compliments and pep-talks have little truth because you've never seen what their referring to for yourself. Not only is it depressing to feel that way, but it hurts to make yourself disagree with the friends that you trust about EVERYTHING... just because of your blindness to your own qualities and abilities.

I don't really know where to pin-point the cause and origin of these feelings. It could stem from never feeling good enough and that I could never do enough to fill those I looked up to with pride... It could be from living in an environment such as Provo where the things that I feel define who I am have to be suppressed due to fear of being kicked out of school, or being rejected from society... or heck, I could be half-vampire and literally can't reflect internally but can see my physical reflection, who knows?

I'm lucky enough that I have the friends and family who are able to tell me the qualities that they see in me despite my inability to see them in myself. Hopefully as they relay my reflection to me, it will slowly chip away at the wall of low self-esteem I've put up around myself.

And since we're talking about mirrors, this is the message my mom left on my mirror when she left me on my own my freshman year of college. As I enter my senior year of college, the message remains - despite the mirror being made of cheap plastic and moved hundreds of times, being broken and falling apart on multiple occasions, and nearly being washed by various roommates... the message remains... and though I have to see the imperfect reflection of myself in the mirror when I look at the message, the love behind it allows just a little of that sparkle to show...

p.s.: I would like to formally add that I am not in any way a vampire...