Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Too Late to Drop Out?: My Journey To Here

Today is the first day of my Senior year of College at Brigham Young University.... the end is nigh. And while I'll be leaving this school without the warmest of fuzzies and....ummm, how should I put this?... well... let's just say I won't be buying BYU onesies for my future children... There are many parts of my life and personality that I owe to BYU for helping me discover (even though they might not like some of them...).

My decision to go to BYU was influenced by a lot of different factors including: misinformation, finances, friendships, and hidden prerogatives.

I like to refer to my household growing up as having "hints of Mormon" - my parents' backgrounds in the church led to their parenting having the LDS church's principles as their base... I remember one day having to go talk to a very intimidating guy who asked me if I was good and if I believed in all of these things that I didn't know what they were... 2 days later... I had to step into a "bathtub" and get dunked under water.... That was that...we never re-visited that event...

Years later in high school, I only had one friend that I clung to; however, our relationship was very unhealthy and estranged. Our friendship was solely based on the fact that I had a car; and whenever she started dating someone, our friendship became nonexistent... We would hang out once a week or so for a month, then she'd start dating someone and not talk to me for a few months or however long her latest relationship lasted. I know what you're thinking... why would you keep being her friend, then, Allie? Well.... She was the only friend I had and... I had a huge crush on her....

In the midst of the flurry of high school seniors announcing what colleges they were applying to, I asked this friend what her after-high-school plans were and BYU was her go-to school. So, of course, I applied "just for the heck of it". I asked many opinions of the school from various sources before I submitted my application. It was my parents' opinions that finalized my decision to hit that 'send' button... They told me that, though BYU was a Mormon school, being LDS was not required (Just like how Baylor is a Baptist college, but you don't have to be Baptist to go there)- there were plenty of nonmembers- and that because I was baptized I would get the super cheap tuition, too....

After being accepted, I still didn't know whether to go to the school or not... but there was something that I used to finalize my decision.... I didn't want to be gay.

I had heard the stories about this college being cupid's secret lair. Like all freshman girls entering BYU... I was under the impression that I would be married by the end of my first year (MRS Degree, here I come!) . Surely with all the RMs running around asking everyone out on a daily basis, I couldn't like girls even if I wanted to... (p.s. that didn't happen).

So here I am entering my senior year at the college I decided to attend, so where am I now? To answer that question, I'd have to tell you a bit about where I've been...

FRESHMAN YEAR:

Well... That high school friend wouldn't allow us to be roommates, but insisted that we would hang out and meet up all the time.... yeah, that never happened.

Instead, my freshman year ended up with me rooming with four completely random girls in an apartment a mile away from campus...Things were awkward at first, but that's to be expected, right? After a couple of months - realizing that I was not on the fast-track to a freshman marriage - I mentioned to one of my roommates that I thought I didn't really like guys... my first verbal attempt at coming out (despite not being able to say the words 'gay', 'lesbian', or anything close to 'I like girls').

Well that half-hearted attempt turned into one of my worst nightmares. The roommate I shared that information with shared with my other three roommates. Those four girls went on to ruin my entire freshman year, and thus, my opinion on being LDS and gay...

During the remainder of my first year at college, I was reported to the all-so-famous Honor Code Office.... six times... by my roommates. Their allegations started out innocently - just reporting me for being gay and that they thought I liked them (that one's a bit arrogant)... However, their later reporting was desperate lies to get rid of me (Such as claiming that I go through their underwear drawers when they're not home...).

I ended up selling my contract, leaving early, and living the rest of the year with my aunt in orem...

However, somehow through the midst of all of that... I made a single friend in my ward... and we were able to be roommates the next year...

SOPHOMORE YEAR: 

My sophomore year was me curled up back in the closet... It was actually going very well at first! 

I was living with that friend I made... and looking back on life... she was the first legitimate friend I ever really had. On top of all of it, the additional roommates we had all knew each other beforehand and we all became really cool friends: sunday-night song jams, random midnight trips for ice cream, movie nights, etc. It was everything that I thought college life was supposed to be like!

Unfortunately, my sophomore year ended with me in deep depression.... At the end of the first semester, my friend had obtained a boyfriend. And while she still made time for us and we still did many things together, I still had an unnatural hatred for the guy she was dating - despite him being an amazing man. It wasn't until they got engaged that I realized why... I was attracted to her.

It was then that I realized that no matter how deeply I closeted myself, no matter how many 'crushes' I made up, no matter how deeply I immersed myself in the gospel I was surrounded by at BYU, and no matter how much I tried to convince myself otherwise... I, Allie, was gay.... I was gay and the realization made me incredibly, incredibly depressed... skipping classes and church to stay in bed the entire day, leaving the apartment and hiding in drainage ditches or storage sheds I found in Provo every time my friend was home, and self-harm all became frequent habits in my life. In the midst of it all, I had several suicide plans and different scenarios that would launch each one...

JUNIOR YEAR:

My junior year terrified me... All of my roommates and friends from the year before left on missions or graduated or dropped out of school... It was like my freshman year all over again - I was going to be living with complete strangers and their judgments...

I decided to just not interact with my roommates. I never talked to them. The less they knew about me, the less they'd have to judge me about. I never talked to them.  The semester was just school. I got up, went to class, rarely spoke to anyone at school besides that one girl that was in every one of my classes (Carly), went home, did homework, went to bed, repeated.

Then something happened - One day, instead of a regular lecture, there were some guest speakers in my sociology class. Members from an organization called Understanding Same Gender Attraction, or USGA, came and talked to our class about their experience going to BYU and being gay... experiences that weren't good... experiences that sounded like mine... but how their experience changed after finding the organization of USGA... how they found refuge in a group of people with the same experiences as them.

The next week (the last week of the fall semester), I attended the USGA meeting with Carly (which took every ounce of courage in my body to invite her to come with me- and included a mini panic attack before and after said invitation). Just walking into that room in the Provo City Library changed my life... I was immediately welcomed by President of the organization and others in the group. Honestly, today I can not tell you what the topic of discussion was that night at USGA, but what I do remember is that I smiled. I smiled. Allie, who still had a suicide plan in place for Valentine's Day the following year, smiled for the first time in 10 months...

I continued attending USGA meetings for the rest of the semester... needless to say I did not end my life on the 14th of February...

SENIOR YEAR: 

Well that brings us to right now! Like I said, today was the first day of my senior year of college at what has been recently delegated as the 4th worst university for queer students...

I am still very active in USGA- and I am proud to report that I am currently serving in their leadership.

There were some things I left out of this background story (people, cancer scares, coming out to friends and family (WHICH I DID), etc... ), but I feel as though what I have written has been the things that really led my journey.

I now have an extensive support network through USGA, including my current best friends... I want to put as much into USGA as a leader as I possibly I can, because when it comes down to it...I owe my life to this organization.


Scars remind us where we've been. They don't have to dictate where we're going.


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